Monday, 4 March 2013

Why do "good girls" end up dating "bad boys?"

It was a gorgeous evening, about 6:45pm and I was famished. so i decided to prepare something to put into my pot belly. As I was preparing my dinner, I looked out of the kitchen window and saw this young innocent looking lady walk into the compound. Wanted to be sure what she was up to, I stayed back in the kitchen like a hunter waiting for the right time to strike and watched as she reached for her phone and made a call. Since I wasn’t sure who she had just called, I approached her and asked, “Who do you want to see please? Erm… Sorry, good evening”  “I’m here to see John (Not real name)” … she replied “we just spoke and he said he’s on his way.” Her voice was so sweet and calm.  “Oh ok…Make yourself comfortable then” I said. 

Knowing John to be a player, I concluded that she must be one of his numerous girlfriends who perhaps had fallen for his lies, only for me to find out later that she was actually not his “No. 7” but “No. 1.” After about 15 minutes of waiting, John showed up and they both went inside. Well, I ate, read a little and called it a day. The morning after that night, I was in my room reading when suddenly I heard her screaming “Kill me! Kill me!! Kill me John!!!”  Together with other corpers, we rushed to John’s room to see what it was that made her scream incessantly. On getting there, we found her on the floor half naked with bruises all over her face. He had abused her physically.

To our greatest surprise, he threw her hand bag and her bra outside, and forced her to leave… she kept forcing her way into the room and didn’t want to leave as she said these words repeatedly, “I still love you john please don’t do this to me… I’m nothing without you in my life.” It was such an emotional moment I guess. Judging by what went down, one would say that’s it… it’s over between them.  Well sorry! The reversal was the case. She left and came back 4 days later begging that they get back together. Oh Yes! She did come back to beg.

This particular incident made me wonder how many ladies out there are trapped in an abusive relationship. A part of them wants to come out, but another part whispers to them “love is patient… you can change him if you can endure the abuse.”  Really? I strongly feel the problem happens when “sincere good ladies” ignore the “good guys” and pursue relationships with men known as “bad boys.” Worse, some ladies find themselves unable to break from an attraction to men of ill repute. “Good guys” are often perceived as boring while “bad boys” are perceived as “adventurous.” While “bad boys” may be fun, you must know that the party never lasts. Since this situation is more widespread than many realize, let’s examine why this phenomenon occurs. First how do you define a “bad boy?”

 Now, by all standards, John is someone I would refer to as bad boy; A bad boy because he smokes and drinks excessively? Maybe not.  A bad boy because he has a tattoo on his neck and left arm? Far from that.  A bad boy because he wears ear rings and carries dread locks? Definitely not. Who then is a bad boy?

 A bad boy is a man who abuses a woman physically, emotionally and psychologically. He makes her feel worthless and demands from her what he’s unwilling to give. A bad boy is someone without a vision, dream and a sense of purpose. A bad boy is someone who lacks character. A bad boy is someone who is too immature and preoccupied with himself to share genuine compassion, concern or acceptance. A bad boy would rather be possessive than be protective of his woman. A bad boy cheats on his woman

What amazes the most is when a “good girl” views a bad boy as a “project “or someone whom she feels can “fix.” This incident occurs when a lady acknowledges that her boyfriend has character flaws yet believes she can change him.  

The fallacy of this belief is that it is impossible to change a “bad boy.” He may fake integrity over the short term, but a “bad boy” will only mature when he makes the decision himself. All too often, a “good girl” reasons that a “bad boy’s “character will not harm her. Sadly, the “good girl” is usually the person who winds up suffering the most hurt. She hangs unto the relationship thinking her sacrifice will change him. Months later, his abusive behavior destroys her self-esteem, makes her feel next to nothing, and drains the life out of her.
I understand that if a girl/woman was abused or ignored by her father, she may not know how to identify character or real love. Worse, she may subconsciously think that her past pain can be erased by being in a relationship with a “bad boy” and making everything work out right 

 Now here is the mathematical question: why go through the stress of trying to change a “bad boy” into a “good guy” when there is a “good guy” out there who loves respects and adores you?

So what do you think guys? Why do some “good ladies” end up dating “bad guys” even though they know the consequences involved? Please share your opinion in the comment box below

Huntly Anabs


Anonymous said...

Wow great article and trust me,,i felt like u were talking to me. Well said and i couldn't have said it any better. Another reason is that 'Bad Boys' are 'sweet talkers','good actors',the 'honeymoon period' where he begs so much and promises to change n u believe him. He then showers u with so much love n gifts,but this usually is short lived though, as it gets back again into the abuse. There is always that part of me who feels like i should be the one to change him and i feel so sorry for him n even tell myself sometimes that'don't let him go,he needs help,what if u was your son'? 'Help him'. The truth is, he is not my son and why should i spend time making up excuses for his mistakes n end up suffering. My self esteem is so low right now. Somehow i believe things happen for a reason and God will see me through and one day i will find the strength to leave n i hope i'm alive to see that day happen. This is a very important subject that victims of domestic violence are afraid to face.I don't think 'good guys ' are boring though,,just haven't met one yet. There is this guy in my neighbourhood,,,i think he could be a 'good guy' i hope i could give him a chance some day,,hope its not too late though! 'Bad guys' are like a bent trees that can not be straighten, don't try to change him ladies,its not your place to trust me on this one. The only person that can change him is him.Once more thanks again for the post n God Bless u!

Mary said...

Nice write up.

Girls that stay in this kind of harmful relationship are trying to fill up an empty space inside them; they would rather go through pain than be alone. Also, these girls are already addicted to the guy. It's exactly like an addiction to drugs. Drugs are harmful, but people do it because they are trying to compensate for a lack.

The way I got rid of the emptiness in my life, is by asking Jesus to fill me up. I continue to read the bible often to keep my soul nourished and refreshed. Jesus promises me a peaceful and joyful life, he will never leave me, and his love for me will never die. There's no more emptiness in my life. Therefore I cannot allow anybody or anything to harm me psychologically or make me feel like without them I cannot survive.

Joy, peace, and happiness are real girls. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise. If somebody is making you feel miserable, man or woman, run away from that person.

daniel iyade said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
daniel iyade said...

Dear Huntly,
This nice article was viewed mainly from the "good guy" & "good girl's" perspectives.Based on your definition, I think I fall under the category of a "bad guy".Not because I physically assault (I have never and can never do that), but because I tend to dominate a lady emotionally & psychologically.
I am not going to try and justify the reason for my misogynistic behaviour, but I think I should expose the mindset of bad boys (call it a confession if you like). First question is: "Is it wrong to be a bad boy? Yes. It is completely wrong. (Because its an unrighteous way of life) Does a bad guy get the ladies? Yes.He does.(Because most girls love drama. They are always looking for the good-bad-guy that does not exist).Is being a bad guy beneficial on the long run? No it is not.(Because bad guys can't meet the standards of a good relationship)The most important question is: why does anybody choose to be a bad guy?
After self-evaluation, I realised that the principal factor for me is "FEAR". The fear of loving another person that does not reciprocate. I used to think that its better to be the "disappointer" than being disappointed.I have learnt that disappointments are part of life's learning process. God promised to be with us in all disappointments and he never disappoints.
It is common knowledge that the dominant person in any relationship is the person that cares less. Though it feels good to weild such power over another person, but it feels better to share (because sharing is caring).Relationships should always be give & take.
Ultimately, if you have no relationship with God, you cannot have good relationships..Period! You cannot understand what love is without knowing God (because God is love). Even though we disappoint him everyday, he still loves us un-conditionally. I think we should all learn from him...

Prof Labambam said...

Nice one boi

Huntly Anabs said...

Thanks alot guys for your comments. I really do appreciate you stopping by.

@anon, not to worry, you will meet the person meant for you soon.
@ Mary, You couldn't have said it any better.
@ Daniel iyade, I admire your honesty. Such boldness! hmmm. deep!

@ prof! Thanks alot

Anonymous said...

I think this topic is a lot deeper than we think. No girl is really stupid to go into a relationship with a bad boy. The only reason I believe girls end up in these kind of situations is because the boy in the beginning appeared 'good', behaved 'good', and probably thought of doing things for her in ways no other guy has done before.So in some cases its not necessarily about the swag or money the guy has, but rather what the guy has done for the girl that others haven't. So during the course of the 'good turned bad' relationship, she yearns to change things back to the way they were. While the guy may have forgotten the good times, she hasn't and may feel hesitant to move on because she believes that no other guy can give her a swell time AS GOOD AS this one has(even though she knows there are other guys out there). So this is a pretty complicated issue. Completely coming to the conclusion that all/most girls love bad boys is indirectly calling us stupid, even without intending it.Now the other girls that date these kind of guys even after knowing his history, well, you can never really discern why they do it. This is because they are numerous reasons; reasons which depend on the girl in question. There are some girls who are being physically abused at home, so being hit is the only way they feel they should be punished. They even get irritated when a guy does not 'man-up' after they've done a misdeed.people change overtime. I believe its not how well it started, but what happened inbetween the beginning and the I said earlier,this topic is deeper than we think.Wonderful article btw, your description of a bad boy is very apt.:)

Huntly Anabs said...

Oh wow! You are deep! Seeing it from another perspective now! This is a wonderful comment. There isn't much to be said by me. You nailed it. I agree with for the "most" part of it. Let's just say these "good girls" are coerced or better still, manipulated into the relationship with the hope that they will find happiness. But like you rightly said, the in between stage is what tells whether or not they come out bruised or better. Well done. And thanks for stopping by!

*Michael Onobote* said...

Good girls could be seen as boring and cliche by the supposed 'bad' boys. Same goes vice versa. I think sometimes its about what you want versus what is ideal and okay. Most times and sadly the former wins.

Huntly Anabs said...

You are right mike. Absolutely. I really appreciate you stopping Thanks

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